It has been 11 months since you told me you didn’t love me anymore. It has been 11 months since I felt you next to me at night, since I called you baby, since I kissed you when you got home from work, since we made love, since I felt like I had a home. I felt my soul being rejected and ripped apart from yours. I felt so much that I started to feel nothing. The grief from being unloved by the person I had built my world around left wounds I will never fully heal from.

It has been 4.5 months since you told me you made a mistake and loved me all along. It was hurtful that you didn’t want me back when I was crying all the time. That you wanted me back  when you saw me starting to get some of my spark back. You thought I’d come back, because I always had before. You thought I’d come back because you know how deep my love for you is, and that I know you are my twinflame. You thought I’d come back because you don’t understand the damage you’ve done. Not only did you make me feel easy to let go of when you left, but you broke me down most of our relationship. I lost myself in trying to make you happy so you could love me, so we wouldn’t fight, so you would  be healthy. I believed the things you said to me and about me when you were upset, and it took losing you to stop believing the worst about myself. It took losing you to stop caring what you thought of me, and stop letting your opinion define me.

You would set my heart ablaze. I felt on fire when you loved me and promised me it’ll get better. Then you would step back again and let my fire slowly dwindle away. When you’d see the embers about to go out you’d come back with your love and it was like throwing logs back in the fire building it strong again. It was like this from the first kiss. I literally burned for you and every time you criticized me, neglected or dismissed my needs, or ignored my efforts to reach out for you it was like you rained on that fire. When you left in January it was like you dumped a whole bucket of water over me and washed away anything left that could be lit again.

I know I hurt you too. All the pain I ever caused you carried shame in my heart. Even the small things like getting you a present that didn’t make you feel like I knew you. Every hurt felt like a failure. In October I watched you detach from me when you saw the tiktoks and I felt that pain in your heart. I felt like I deserved it and just prayed you’d forgive me soon. I’d hold you in your sleep just trying to cling to what was left. I prayed you’d stay. And you almost did. But I could feel you struggling to stay and the way you’d look for things wrong with me was getting worse. I didn’t beg for you to stay because I was getting so tired of how things were too, and tired of always waiting for things to get good consistently. I was tired of waiting to feel close to you the way I craved. I was tired from 14 years of it, not just 3 months. And in that moment of hearing you say “I don’t love you and I don’t think I have for years.” I completely gave up. I felt like I had to let you go. And my heart crumbled up into a tiny ball.

I live in the home we shared with the kids where there is your ghost in every room. Or I live in the home with my parents where your ghost still haunts and I have to stare out at the backyard where we were married. I never get a break, there is no respite from you. When you asked to get back together I said give me one year before we talk about this. You can’t. You are either professing your love, frantically trying to push me to come back, or being cold and distant. It’s like you keep making me relive losing you over and over and over again. The love I need now is patient and the love you need is the fight. It makes me feel like we still are not compatible no matter how much we have loved each other and wanted to make it work.

Twin Flames are mirror images of each other. You helped me grow through the challenge of loving my complete opposite, and I know I helped you grow too. We changed the course of our lives just by loving each other. Our love created two children who are already incredible humans. I’d love you again in any lifetime even if I knew it wouldn’t last. The way I love you is all consuming and I am so lucky to have loved with that kind of intensity. But now I need a different kind of love, this version of me is different. And I don’t believe I could love you any other way, it’s what you trigger in me. It hasn’t made sense to you that I could love you but say no to you, but that is my truth. My truth is that I will die loving you, but being with you is not what’s good for me anymore.