I cried countless times during the marriage, but nothing compares to the way I sobbed my heart out through the divorce. I was thrown into the grief I had been trying to avoid for a long time.

I cried so hard the day of court that I had to pull over in a Starbucks parking lot. I lost myself in the reality it was over. He wasn’t mine and would never be mine again. It felt like I was losing a part of myself I had depended on to survive until now.  I missed the numb phase, I wanted the angry phase, but I was in the sad phase grieving a loss of my soul. I was still in love with him and hadn’t let go yet. I was dizzy, I couldn’t breathe, and my eyes felt swollen shut. But I had been preparing for this. I had been doing the work with my spirituality, I had been leaning into my family and friends for support, and I had started therapy again…this cry fest was not me falling apart, this was me breaking open. I didn’t fight it, I leaned in. I played my “divorce” playlist and let myself ugly cry for 2.5 hours. Then I got Starbucks. 

We have to feel it to heal it.

I haven’t cried in 2 weeks. There is a post cry clarity that can be extremely cathartic. For me my post cry clarity timed perfectly with my ex-husband acting like jerk face. It didn’t make me cry because I finally had the clarity, I needed to see that as a gift. I was grateful he was reminding me why I had considered divorce so many times before, and I was grateful he wasn’t doing anything to tempt me back into thinking we could make it work. He was doing exactly what I needed to accept my new reality as a potential positive. Breaking open was the only way I could change and evolve. I could not do that while married to him, because he is fragile, and it caused conflict. I have lost track of the number of times I have listened to Selena Gomez sing “Lose you to Love me.” She gets it. I have begun enjoying this rebuild and genuine journey of self-discovery. I do not know who I am without my ex-husband, but I am starting to have fun figuring it out. When I find my thoughts going back to nostalgia and missing the comfort of my old life, I reread the journal I kept while married when I was hurt or angry with him. Time can make you forget, being sad makes you want to repress, and that can be dangerous when you are trying to move on. That journal has been clutch on the days my ex-husband is being the version I had loved. If you are reading this still married, I highly recommend starting one of these. If you are divorced start writing down the bad memories, not only does it purge them and takes away their power over you, but it is great for reference when needing a reminder this divorce set you free.